Without A Rubber
by 0-mirage-0
Summary: "...Having sex with the maids isn't all it's cracked up to be Hikaru," Tamaki said. "It causes a lot of turn over..." A cute twincentered oneshot in which Kaoru realizes he's not ready to be the only virgin in their duo, and Tamaki learns giving the twins advice on love and sex can backfire.


Without A Rubber

- mirage -

When Hikaru arrived on Tamaki's doorstep wearing a pout and a book bag, Tamaki was dumbstruck. Unlike standard reclusive twin behavior Hikaru explained his arrival in one sentence: _I am mad at Kaoru_, and then when into all the details.

One hour before Hikaru stormed to Tamaki's cursing his younger brother, Kaoru was at his bedroom desk trying to work around the parental block recently applied to their home network, when Hikaru appeared. He ran suddenly toward their bedroom door and slid in on his socks looking frantic.

Kaoru turned around in his chair with a stick of pocky protruding from his mouth. In a flat dry tone of confused interest he asked, "What?"

"If I can bone Myu, will you cover for me?"

"_What?_" The pocky dropped from Kaoru's mouth.

"She said she'll let me!" Kaoru didn't know where to begin, his head emptied of thoughts when Hikaru suggested he pork one of their identical maids. "Kaoru!" Hikaru cried impatiently. "Come on! I don't want her to change her mind!"

"Myu!" Kaoru exclaimed in shock. Hikaru nodded quickly. "Myu? Hikaru, that can't be a good idea."

Hikaru scoffed widely. "Good idea nothing! Who the hell cares Kaoru! Now cover me! I am going to do it in the library with her." Kaoru stood up in alarm, and Hikaru broke a wild grin. "Yes! _Awesome!_" He turned and ran around Ami, who had come to their bedroom doorway, and tore down the hallway. Kaoru looked at their second identical maid like a deer in headlights. How could she stand there so calm when her counterpart was off waiting to be porked!

"Is-is she kidding?" Kaoru asked, startled. Ami shook her head softly. The girl looked comfortable and relaxed with the topic of discussion. She was wearing her traditional uniform. A dark navy shin length dress with the appropriate apron and bonnet. Her hair was perfectly straight, her outfit flawless. There was nothing out of the ordinary about her save the disinterested glare. "She's_ not_ kidding!" Kaoru couldn't believe this. He took a quick indecisive step forward before rushing to her. "He-he can't really do that with her," Kaoru said uneasily. This topic brought so many mixed emotions. The fact Hikaru would be sleeping with their hired help, the fact Hikaru would be having sex, the worry both of their parents were home, the fact Hikaru was having sex, the unsettling concept Hikaru was going to have sex somewhere in the library instead of the appropriate bed, and most importantly the fact Hikaru was having sex! What would they do then! One would be a virgin and one would not! Did this mean he had to have sex with Myu too!

"She just broke up," Ami said, stepping to the side when Kaoru pushed to his bedroom door and looked out.

"_Broke up from what?_" Kaoru asked clueless.

Ami gave Kaoru a disapproving frown. "With her boyfriend," she explained scornfully, as if that should have been understood. "She just broke up with her boyfriend." Kaoru didn't know how to interpret envisioning their hired help with lives outside of those which existed to serve them. How did Myu have time for a boyfriend? And where did she meet him?

"Oh," Kaoru said uncomfortably. "So…well…yeah well, she can't have sex with my brother."

Ami shrugged gently. "She can do what she wants I guess." Ami sounded tired, as if the topic exhausted her, but this comment struck Kaoru like a blow. He realized unlike his laundry, food, and belongings, he couldn't order Ami not to have sex with people, specifically and most importantly Hikaru, the way he could order her to do other things.

"I'll tell my mother." He felt panicked, and threatened her.

Ami looked horrified and then disgusted. "Please don't," she said angrily. "You do know that will probably get us fired."

"Yeah well!" Kaoru snapped, feeling his anxiety rise. Right now who knew what Hikaru was doing! "Yeah well! Maybe your sister should learn to keep her skirt down!"

"And maybe your brother should learn to keep it zipped in his pants!"

Kaoru ran from his bedroom. He didn't know how to argue this away, and he had begun feeling a wild frantic anxiety ever since Hikaru had sprinted off with intentions to push an unmentionable part of himself into an unmentionable place.

Ami followed. Her uniform dress shoes were clapping loudly against the hard wood of the floor alongside Kaoru's socks. "Ami, go away!" Kaoru said, running down the main hallway toward the elevator.

"_Whatever for!_" Ami sounded angry. Kaoru was shocked with the attitude. Normally Ami and Myu were so nice! "I can come if I want!" Kaoru slid to the elevator in his socks but she ran past him toward the stairs.

"Hey!" Kaoru charged after her and together they were running down the main staircase. "I am going in the room first!"

"I'll do what I want!" Ami declared. Kaoru didn't know how to combat this. Technically no she couldn't, and technically yes she could.

Ami ran to the library doors but instead of opening them she bent down and looked through the keyhole. Her maid outfit peeked up to her knees and fluffed outward as if her skirt were a blossom of feathers. Somehow the visible skin of her legs became intense, and that which was hidden inside the white petticoat more than intriguing. For just a moment, as Kaoru ran toward her, he imagined what it would be like to grab that fluffy skirt and lift it all the way up. Then, out of breath and still in his Versace pajama pants, he arrived and forcefully shoved her away from the keyhole and peered in.

"I couldn't see anything," Ami whispered, managing her balance. She jerked away from his inconsiderate shove and returned to his side.

Kaoru pivoted his head in a useless attempt to view either side of the room, but currently the only thing the keyhole framed was a large center table.

The library was a grand two story room with shelves of books on every wall. To the right side was a massive fireplace and appropriate leather furniture, and to the left, a large clock and imported sofa. With the double doors parallel one of the three center tables containing only a green lamp, there was nothing of interest to look at, and Kaoru stood up and turned to Ami.

"Well?" she asked expectantly. Kaoru didn't know what she was implying with her tone. "Master?" She raised her eyebrows and placed more emphasis on the question but he didn't understand what she meant.

"I can't see either."

Ami scoffed. "Do you two own condoms?" she demanded. Kaoru felt himself blush and it embarrassed him. He never imagined the girls assigned to personally serve them would talk to him like this. "Do you?" Ami became further annoyed with the color Kaoru could feel in his cheeks. "He better have a condom." No, they didn't own condoms, but it wasn't because they didn't want to own them, it was because they hadn't figure out how to obtain them, and couldn't ask for them because they weren't allowed to have sex. If Hikaru was discovered trying to have sex in the library Kaoru didn't know what would happen, but he was certain it would be big.

"Of course we have condoms," Kaoru said, placing as much false disgust into his voice as he could. He pushed Ami further from the door and gave her a dirty look. _Of course they had condoms._

Ami stepped back with the shove, but narrowed her eyes. "At this moment master," she said softly, and her voice made Kaoru uneasy. She did not sound timid, she sounded empowered. "You and I are equals, so stop touching me without asking." Directly after these words Ami yanked the door open and Kaoru startled. For some reason this felt as unannounced as storming into a bedroom, but Kaoru curiously looked in.

Ami did not look in, she marched in.

"What are you doing?" Kaoru hissed, following Ami into the darkened room. The library was not currently in use, so only the green table lamps were on providing soft ambiance on the first floor, and shadows on the second.

"I don't think you two have condoms," Ami said, turning back to give Kaoru a measured glance. "If you have, we would have seen them." Kaoru tried to hide the blush these words caused. It was unsettling to think of Ami and Myu rummaging through their things, but the girls did clean their bedroom, and do their laundry so…not much was private. "You're lying, aren't you?"

"_It's not any of your business._"

Ami ignored this statement and began a stealthy walk, which kept the tap of her dress shoes nearly silent, down the side of the library. Kaoru shut the door behind them and the light which had swept in from the hall disappeared. Ami ignored this, and Kaoru began following her. She seemed guided by some form of what their mother called, female intuition, and where Kaoru would have begun searching on the right side until certain Hikaru wasn't there, Ami went directly to the far left corner. There a few feet away from a soft green lamp, sandwiched between a massive landscape painting and bookshelf was a low fainting couch. It was a deep plum color and the black satin pillow, which was normally placed on the plush top, was currently on the floor to make room for Myu and Hikaru.

Myu had laid back on brilliant imported Spanish plum upholstery and Hikaru was bent over her. With a knee resting between her legs, one palm over her shoulder holding himself up, and the second cupping her face, their mouths were locked together.

Kaoru froze with the sight of Hikaru in such a personal and domestic state. Hikaru was eating Myu's face like it was a prize to be won. His body was entirely into the event with his spindly arms trembling gently and a visible light sheen of sweat on his bare torso. Hikaru, having been too lazy to change since they'd returned home from school, had stripped his dress shirt and tie off and thrown them to the floor leaving him in only his black uniform dress pants. Against the filly maid skirt puffing about Myu's thights the sleek black of Hikaru's pants looked scripted. The contrast of something so prim and reserved, tossed into Myu's dress, and amplified with Hikaru's visible Armani boxer's from hip to the middle of his backside, left Kaoru stunned. Not only had Hikaru climbed right onto their maid while still half dressed for school, but he'd unzipped his pants and they were slipping off.

Ami approached this scene with no hesitation. She marched up to the side of the couch and pushed Hikaru aside to dislodge him. "Myu," Ami whispered, with a tone of concern. Hikaru rocked to the right with the shove, but completely ignored it and continued. "Master!" Ami shoved harder.

Hikaru pulled off Myu's face and sat back breathing heavily. "You know I love it when you call me master," Hikaru teased, looking undisturbed and even intrigued with her arrival.

Ami was irritated and lowered her gaze to Myu. "Myu, are you sure about this?" Ami asked, sounding uneasy for the first time.

"Hey, if you're not here to join, go away," Hikaru said, springing into action the moment Ami became a threat.

Ami lifted a quick and harsh pointing finger. With a low and vicious tone she pushed it into Hikaru's face and said, "_You be quiet._" Her anger came out of no where, and the intensity and informality of her words had Hikaru stunned. He silenced completely and looked at her finger. "Myu, I am worried. This isn't a good idea."

"How dare you say that to me!" Hikaru snapped, raised up on his knees and leaning closer to Ami. "Relax Ami, don't be so uptight." Kaoru watched Hikaru slid a hand up Ami's arm and teasingly tug her toward him. Ami narrowed her gaze defensively, but Hikaru leaned to her face as if to whisper before suddenly pressing their lips together. Kaoru was shocked, and Ami jerked back with surprise.

"_You're despicable!_" Ami cried wiping her mouth with Hikaru grinning like a cat. "Master, behave yourself!"

"Ami, this is fine," Myu said, with a tone of complete disinterest. "I am okay." She sat up and her hair was a bit of a mess, and her maid bonnet had fallen off. She looked disheveled with her lips plump and moist and Hikaru audibly giggled an excited noise with her commitment. "It's fine. Just shut the door." Myu gestured toward the door and Kaoru realized if Myu didn't protest and Ami listened to her sister, Hikaru was going to have sex with the maid. _He felt his body lock up with anxiety._

"Yeah, Ami, get out. I don't want you watching, although I know you want to watch," Hikaru teased.

"You're a pig," Ami retorted.

Kaoru realized if he didn't intervene Hikaru was going to score, and then he would be a virgin and Hikaru would be one of those lame upperclassman they heard about who porked the help because they couldn't get a decent girlfriend. He knew this should upset him. The fact this was damaging for their reputation, petty, and unethical should disturb him but…

Hikaru pushed Ami away from the couch and fully unzipped his fly. The sound of the zipper woke Kaoru from his trance.

…but it was the fact Hikaru was going to score without him that drew the line in the sand.

"Hikaru!" Kaoru rushed to Hikaru's side and Hikaru jerked back from Myu with surprise and turned to Kaoru.

This close Kaoru could smell Hikaru's natural scent wafting off him. Hikaru's body looked to be in a state of near explosion. His coordination was sloppy, his hair was a tousled wreck, he was sweating, and somehow the intensity of his gaze and breath, which was escaping more so out his mouth than his nose, made him look hungry in an untamed and unrecognizable way.

Hikaru was shocked with Kaoru's sudden appearance. "What?" Hikaru sputtered. "Kaoru!" His tone was accusatory, and he looked about the library with immediate concern he'd be caught when his only brother, and body guard, left whatever post Kaoru thought was necessary and put the entire mission in jeopardy.

"You can't have sex here in the library, you're out of your mind," Kaoru whispered, gesturing to Myu because what he wanted to say was, you can't have sex with the help, you're out of your mind.

"Who's watching my back if you're in here!" Hikaru cried, looking worried.

"Myu, they haven't any condoms," Ami said, as if she couldn't stand to keep this quiet anymore.

"Shut up Ami!" Hikaru snapped, giving the couch a smack. "I do too! Now get out!" Hikaru turned to Kaoru next. "Kaoru, watch the door and don't peek, that's weird." With them both standing there Myu laid down and Hikaru went right back to her face. He didn't wait to see if his orders would be followed, he felt confident they would be, and began sucking what Kaoru had to assume was Myu's tongue, while adjusting his pants to his knees.

Kaoru was shocked Hikaru was bold enough to do this with Ami standing right alongside of him. Sure, the girls had seen them in their underwear before but, this was different. Kaoru felt this should be different, and was incredibly embarrassed with Hikaru's Neanderthal behavior. In two seconds Hikaru seemed ready to loose his virginity, and seemed willing to do it with at least one spectator if that meant completion of the act. Kaoru could smell Hikaru's scent becoming stronger, and it frightened him. Like Hikaru was a blossoming flower opening for Myu and might, after his discharge, wilt and die.

Kaoru reached out and grabbed Hikaru's arm. With one full strength yank he pulled Hikaru off the couch and Hikaru staggered up completely dislocated from the moment. He stumbled with his pants down, frantically adjusting the front of his boxer briefs to make sure he was covered, and then found his voice.

"_What-what the hell Kaoru!_"

Kaoru ignored this and began exiting the library dragging Hikaru with him. He glanced back only to see Myu sit up looking slightly annoyed. Ami was standing along side the couch with wide surprised eyes, but Kaoru realized he couldn't do it. He couldn't let Hikaru put a part of them, such an important part, in such a low class section. It would be like putting a Porsche in a dog house.

"Kaoru!" Hikaru was hopping as he pulled his pants up and fastened them. "What the hell! You're freaking kidding, right!" Hikaru sounded both furious and terrified what he thought was happening was happening. He looked back at Myu as he was yanked into the hall and whined a painful little noise before turning a hideous glare to his younger brother.

"Hikaru, you can't have sex with our maids."

"You better be freaking kidding Kaoru." Hikaru yanked his arm away, snarling. "Now watch the fucking door."

"I am not kidding," Kaoru said, strengthening his tone only slightly. "Who knows where she's been. She had a boyfriend."

"Well she wasn't born yesterday!"

"Hikaru, she's a commoner."

"I don't want to marry her! I just want to boink her!" Hikaru buckled his knees with a groan. "Fuck Kaoru, you can't be serious! How can you do this to me!" Hikaru gestured wildly to the library door and Kaoru didn't trust Hikaru not to make a break back inside. He grabbed Hikaru's arm and pulled Hikaru closer to him.

Hikaru wanted no part in this and shoved free.

"No!" Kaoru snapped, reaching back for Hikaru's arm before struggling when Hikaru dodged.

"I've got to!"

"NO!" They were suddenly wrestling. Hikaru backed into the door shoving at any part of Kaoru which came too close, and Kaoru was smacking Hikaru's hands aside trying to get a grip. It escalated further when Hikaru used his foot to wedge Kaoru off once he managed a fistful of hair and Kaoru grabbed Hikaru in a head lock. "No way I said!"

"My balls are killing me Kaoru! I hate you!"

Hikaru struggled, but they couldn't beat each others head locks. For a moment Kaoru held Hikaru tight before letting him up and latching onto his arm. He ignored Hikaru's mock declarations of hate and pulled his whining brother to their bedroom with Hikaru's pitiful crying maturing into anger.

"You're a jealous fucking cock-blocker!" Hikaru accused yanking free once in their room. He began a furious pace from either side. "You're just jealous she was doing me and not you!" Kaoru felt some and maybe all of this was true so he didn't answer. "This isn't about having sex in the library!"

"Part of it is," Kaoru said firmly.

"Not enough of it!" Hikaru threw up his hands. "I can't believe this!" He reached down and adjusted himself uncomfortably. "I can't believe you!"

"When you go to have sex next time, do you want to have to say your first time was with a maid!"

"As far as I am concerned, outside of this room, I lost my virginity when I was thirteen to that Brazilian thong model!" Hikaru yelled. "You know the one with the long black hair who knew how to say 'nice to meet you' in Japanese!"

"You can't be serious."

"I am serious!" Hikaru adjusted himself again with a small wince. "My fucking nut sack feels like it's going to explode and it's all your fault! I should kick you in the nads." Kaoru ignored this threat and stood facing Hikaru with his arms crossed.

"You'll thank me one day."

"I'll kick you in the nads one day." Hikaru stormed to the discarded book bag on their floor and picked it up. Kaoru's interest rose at once.

"What are you doing?"

Hikaru went to their dresser and slammed a few articles into the bag. He ignored the question and tossed in some cologne and hair gel with Kaoru becoming worried.

"Hikaru?"

"I am going out." Kaoru didn't know what this meant. It was late, they would usually be in pajamas and become tired soon. "I am pissed at you."

"You're this pissed at me?" Kaoru was a little surprised Hikaru was so angry. All things considered he saw far more pros than cons to removing Hikaru from the library.

Apparently all Hikaru saw was one big con, and on his way out he stopped in the doorway to throw Kaoru one last angry look. "I am so horny, I hate you."

* * *

Tamaki listened to everything Hikaru had to say slouched down in a bean bag chair in his room with Hikaru pacing. "That's outrageous," Tamaki said, tone flat and disinterested. Hikaru had been repeating himself for the last twenty minutes and didn't seem to want any advice, he just wanted to talk. "I can't believe it." Tamaki glanced at his watch. "Hikaru? Don't you think you should be going home soon."

Hikaru stopped his stomping and looked to the clock. "I want to sleep here, to really show him how mad I am."

Tamaki frowned with confusion. "Are you asking to sleep here?" Hikaru pulled out his phone and flipped it open. "I seriously hope that wasn't you asking, you have better manners."

"I want him to know I am mad."

"For keeping you from having sex with the maid?"

"You know I am in the right!" Hikaru said, pointing aggressively at Tamaki. "I am doing time as an innocent man!" Hikaru lifted his cell phone to his ear. "I am calling him to tell him I am staying here."

"Having sex with the maids isn't all it's cracked up to be Hikaru. It causes a lot of turn over."

Hikaru hung up at once. "You've done it with your maids boss?" Hikaru was awestruck but Tamaki simply shrugged.

"France is a little different than Japan."

"Oh my god, can I do it with some of your maids?" Hikaru asked, becoming excited.

Tamaki's expression fell at once. "Certainly not."

"WHY!"

"Well for starters none of them know you Hikaru." Tamaki stood and ran a hand through his hair. "What you need to do is meet a girl and just go to second base."

"Second base is _not_ doing the nasty," Hikaru grumbled miserably.

Tamaki smiled and looped an arm around Hikaru's shoulders. "I don't think you're ready for sex yet Hikaru. You need to run the bases before you cross home plate."

* * *

Hikaru took Tamaki's advice to heart, and Kaoru felt himself slip into a world of confused bewilderment when he lost the ability to truly relate to his identical brother.

Kyoya breached the topic like this. "Kaoru, we need to talk." At the time Kyoya said these words he stood in front of Music Room Three's closet which housed decorations they used for themes. Kyoya had positioned himself there because small muffled noises could be heard coming from inside, one male, and one female.

Kaoru felt the familiar humiliation part of himself, the part that was Hikaru, seemed to have no self control and apparently no dignity either. Hikaru's sudden I-am-too-horny-to-control-myself behavior was similar to the way he would, last year, randomly get a boner he couldn't control. It came suddenly, wanted only what it wanted, and didn't care who was there or what was happening, it was going to run its course. For this reason Kaoru feared Hikaru might try to run his course until he accidentally tripped and his penis fell in a vagina.

"Yeah, I am sorry about this Kyoya-sempai," Kaoru said, rubbing nervously at the back of his neck. He didn't really know what to say in situations like this. "I'll…get him." It was like fetching your dog when it was off humping someone's leg.

Kyoya left the door without further comment because Kyoya was polite. Tamaki did not have this tact. "Hikaru!" Tamaki addressed the run of new behavior streaming from the brotherly-love duo after the club at the top of his lungs. "We need to talk about how your sex drive is out of control!"

Hikaru found these words flattering and smiled. "My sex drive is like a hot, silver Porsche Carrera GT boss. I go 0 to 60 in 3.9 seconds flat." Tamaki was impressed with these words and Kaoru felt slightly annoyed he was also impressed with this analogy.

"Really," Tamaki mocked.

"Really."

Tamaki glanced to Kaoru. He had sat both twins on the loveseat parallel Kyoya's table where Kyoya sat typing on his laptop. Deliberately all other club members had been dismissed and Kyoya, most likely the muse for much of this scolding, was remaining to ensure it occurred up to his standard. "What do you have to say for yourself today?" Tamaki asked, relaxing slightly and crossing his arms in front of his chest. Hikaru had green glitter which refused to dislodge dusted about the left arm of his suit jacket from the shamrocks they kept in the closet.

"She wanted me."

Tamaki's eye gave a twitch. "And for Monday?" Monday Hikaru was late to the club because Aya Niosaki had snuck him into the fourth floor girl's room and into a stall.

"She wanted me."

Tamaki's expression struggled a bit. "And last Friday?"

"She wanted me _bad_."

"Hikaru!" Tamaki seemed unable to stomach these answers anymore and flattened his arms to his sides. "We can't have a club member acting this way! Our motto is to make women happy! Not to try and screw everyone we encounter!"

"I do have some standards boss," Hikaru said, with a bit of insult.

"Who!" Tamkai cried. "The dead!" Hikaru looked disgusted. "You need to get it under control or hide it better." Tamaki flung a finger into Hikaru's face and Kaoru looked at it. "Why can't you just masturbate more like the rest of the first year virgins!"

"Hey!" Hikaru and Kaoru cried together. _That was insulting._ "We can get women!"

"Apparently not women who will put out," Tamaki said, dropping his finger. "Now like it or not those are the facts. Just because you try harder doesn't mean you will succeed. You need to get better at hosting women into your pants, understand?" Tamaki asked kindly, adopting an instructive tone they recognized.

Kyoya stopped typing and looked over. In a low warning tone he said, "Tamaki."

"What?" Tamaki, clueless, looked back and although Kyoya didn't speak Tamaki seemed to sense the objection. "Well I am just telling them what I was told." Kyoya continued his silence. "Well then what do you want me to tell them?" Tamaki asked, becoming annoyed.

"That if you don't stop behaving like a bonafide nympho, we'll have to take steps to make sure you do."

Hikaru didn't hear any of this, all he heard was Tamaki's most recent advice. _You need to get better at hosting women into your pants._ And only select parts were truly heard. _You need to get…women into your pants_.

"Wait a second boss, you know how to do that?" Hikaru asked, eyes full of new respect.

Tamaki scoffed. "Well of course I do." The tone wasn't bragging, it was annoyed with just the doubtful and ignorant insinuation.

Hikaru was on his feet in seconds. "Can you teach me!"

"_Tamaki,_" Kyoya said, strengthening his warning tone. "_Hikaru._" Hikaru was targeted next and directly after that Kyoya looked at Kaoru. Kaoru felt a rush of guilt for not helping object and also for becoming interested in Tamaki's suggestion. "Well that's great," Kyoya said, staring Kaoru dead in the eye. "Now you've got the less-sexed-twin hyped up."

Kaoru was shocked he was somehow giving away his interest, but before he could speak, Hikaru came to his defense.

"Hey!" Hikaru snapped, making a fast vertical karate chop toward Kyoya. "Kaoru is just as sexed as me!"

* * *

Getting women into your pants is an objective, Tamaki said. Before you can convince women they want to bang you, you need to find the skills necessary to simply convince women. The way the boss explained it, convincing a girl to make a pie, and convincing a girl to let you hide the salami were the same thing.

"Just what do you think you're doing teaching twiddle-dee and twiddle-dum to procreate Tamaki?" Kyoya asked, genuinely confused with why the master of hosting women into happiness, was taking so much interest and joy into hosting too-eager virgins in the ways of hiding their beef in tacos. "This really isn't like you."

Tamaki smiled with Kyoya's statement. Sitting by his pool with shades large enough to block out half his face, and an umbrella drink Tamaki look too sure of himself. "Kyoya," Tamaki said, lifting his glasses. "You don't honestly think they believe this do you?" Kyoya did think the twins believed their instructions. "Once they figure out how silly this all is, they'll realize that you can't convince a girl to like your Johnson, you need to convince a lady to love you."

"I don't think they're following you Tamaki."

Tamaki dropped his glasses with a snorting laugh. "Of course they are. Just give them a few days to figure it out."

The Friday afternoon in which Tamaki was placed on a pedestal that rivaled the fantastic Versace love affair Devon Aoki, the Porsche Carerra GT, and The Highlander, he gave Hikaru his first assignment.

"Kaoru, if you stop giving me snotty looks, I'll let you do this assignment with me," Hikaru said, dangling the index card with Tamaki scribbled notes in Kaoru's face. Kaoru didn't want to admit he felt eager to become involved and jealous it seemed people thought Hikaru was more-sexed then him. He sat slouched on the couch with a bag of chips on his stomach and his feet on the coffee table like a pig. Slowly, with deliberate defiance, he lifted his gaze to Hikaru and glared at his grinning counterpart. "That's the look," Hikaru said, adding the hand with the index card to his hip, and pointing with his other hand. "That look right there."

"Hikaru," Kaoru said, warning his brother with his tone. "Go away."

Hikaru raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. "You sure?" Kaoru lifted a chip and ate it. "You sure you don't want to get chicks?" Kaoru ignored this and stuffed his hand violently into the bag. "Envision Ninamori Immamoto giving you a little HJ between Conversational French and International Business." Kaoru clenched his fist on the chips he was grasping and they broke into bone shards and sprinkled the rest. Ninamori Immamoto's chest seemed as if it was never going to stop growing. Similar to someone hooking up an air pump and simply filling those melons until they threatened to pop, she simply couldn't keep them in control. When she requested them, they hosted her the best they could, because every time she laughed, those happy tits danced in delightfully hypnotic bobs. "I bet Ninamori gives really good handskis," Hikaru said, standing where he'd stepped over Kaoru's extended legs so as to be tented over them. "_Really _good ones." Hikaru bent at the waist and leaned into Kaoru's face. Kaoru smelled like salt and vinegar. "And the boss says he'll help us do it." Kaoru just didn't understand why Tamaki supported this.

"Doesn't that seem uncharacteristic to you?" Kaoru asked. This had been bugging him.

"What?" Hikaru stood back up with confusion.

"Doesn't it seem weird the boss would help us do something this…cheap?"

"Last time I checked the French were pervs," Hikaru said with conviction. "You know I was told they don't even bathe over there." Kaoru did not think this was true. "They love this sort of stuff, the boss has probably been doing this since he's been out of diapers!" Kaoru doubted if this was true as well. "I am on board and so is Masamune." Kaoru glanced at Hikaru's crotch because Masamune, possibly one of the most gifted sword crafters of all time, was what Hikaru officially named, what he sometimes referred to as his trouser cobra, last year.

"But doesn't it seem odd Kyoya-sempai would let him do this?" Kaoru asked, lifting a chip to his mouth.

Hikaru snatched the bag away. "Kyoya-sempai can bite me." Hikaru turned the bag upside down and emptied it onto Kaoru's head.

Kaoru startled when chips rained down on him and scrambled up slapping at his head. "Hey!" Crumbs were falling from his hair like candy from a piñata. "Don't be a dick!"

"Don't be a wimp," Hikaru said flatly. Kaoru squirmed. He did feel as if he were chickening out. "Come on." Hikaru tossed an arm around Kaoru's neck and squeezed. "We'll do it together." Kaoru looked at the instructions Hikaru raised in front of them. "Perfect sexual equality." Kaoru felt relieved when he heard this. "We've always teased the girls two lovers were better than one. Now lets see if we can find one who believes it."

* * *

Tamaki was in the library studying when Hikaru dropped a raspberry pie onto his open notebook and textbook. The pie hit with enough velocity a few crumbs and specs of raspberry shot up and Tamaki leaned back with startled surprise.

"What?" Tamaki sputtered, looking up from the pie completely speechless.

Kaoru dropped the instructions Tamaki had written alongside of it, and in perfect unison they asked, "What's next?"

With two years left at Ouran Tamaki looked at the two grinning faces and thought, for just a fleeting moment, he might just now begin to understand the danger of what he was flirting with. "Who made you this pie?" he asked flabbergasted.

Kyoya was sitting at Tamaki's side, nose deep in study material and he lifted his gaze just enough to verify a large gorgeous raspberry pie with a lattice top was now on their library table.

"This is not the only pie," Hikaru said, grin running to either ear. "We have gotten six pies."

"Shiori made this one," Kaoru said.

"Shiori?" Tamaki asked, giving the pie a poke. "I didn't know Shiori could cook. Is this a raspberry pie?" Hikaru and Kaoru nodded.

Kyoya side glanced at Tamaki when he heard excited appreciation enter Tamaki's tone. In an attempt he knew was probably futile, he lowered his voice and said, "Tamaki."

"What comes after pies?" Hikaru asked impatiently. "I would like to get to sucking my balls quickly if I can."

"Tamaki," Kyoya said.

"Hikaru, don't be so vulgar, we're in a library," Tamaki scolded. "That's not library language!" he whispered.

"Okay, what's the next step?" Hikaru asked, becoming irritated.

Tamaki sputtered an uncertain breath and muttered a soft, "…well." He glanced between the patient stoic faces before him and asked the obvious. "Well, which pie do you like best?"

Kyoya couldn't take it anymore. He slammed down his book and angrily leaned over the table toward the two nit wits clogging up his study time.

"Will you three put your heads on right," he snapped. "There isn't a next step. Seducing women doesn't start with pie baking as step one, and that is because there is no set process. If you fashion yourself just to seek gratification than you voluntarily discard the very opportunity of finding any true affection or connection with the other gender. You cheapen something worth life fulfilling and corrupt something beautiful." Kyoya's words were vicious and the twins were stunned. He finished his speech with a disgusted little shove to the pie and it slid forward a few inches. "Now take your pie and get the hell out of here. I detest raspberries this early in the day, and I've had about all I can stand of this nonsense."

Kaoru looked to the pie, somehow the fact they'd hit a brick wall so early seemed appropriate. If convincing women to bake was the same as convincing them to shag he had to assume there would be a lot more shagging and a lot more baking. Something about this felt right, and although he was disappointed, he felt appropriately let down. Hikaru did not feel the same.

"Oh really," Hikaru said snottily.

"Yes, really, you dunce," Kyoya snapped. "Tamaki agrees with me. That's one of the reasons we've never hosted that ever so popular seminar Convincing Women: The Art of Having Sex Whenever You Damn Well Please Because It's As Easy As Getting Them To Bake Pies." Tamaki was speechless and Hikaru slid a slow accusatory glare Tamaki's way before stepping forward and flipping the pie over so it fell with a loud splat into Tamaki's notes and books. Tamaki squeaked a loud outraged sound and leapt up but stared in disbelief.

That night Kyoya found five more hurled into his front door. After watching the help scrub two away he called Tamaki and ordered him to suppress any future urges to provide the twins with life knowledge.

"Kyoya, I couldn't have known they'd throw pies at your door," Tamaki said irritably. "I am hardly at fault." Kyoya found himself groaning. "Really Kyoya if you think about it I should have just told them to wait until after the girl's shift." Kyoya face palmed. "That would have solved everything."

* * *

Hello everyone! Thank you for reading!

I hope you enjoyed. Please leave me a review and tell me what you thought! I have several other OHSHC stories, and I am eager to post if these go over well.

I'll make you a deal, you leave me a review…if I managed to give you one smile, or one laugh : )


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